My Friends

To my friends:
My "Goodbye" post caused me to continue considering just what relationships mean in my life. I started to think of all the people I've ever left: in GR, in Valpo, at Spring Hill, at Calvin. How everyone has taken such a part in my life, played an intense role in shaping how I think, in building who I am. And not just building who I am, I suppose. They're all individuals who make me to be me. Largely, I identify myself by my past. They are memories of these people and places that shaped my personality, that taught me how to relate and react. From them, I learned myself: what I like or dislike, how I will respond, how I view life. They are me.

But I am a person who lets relationships fall to the wayside given time and distance. I am wholly untalented at maintaining long-distance relationships, regardless of what the person means to me. Yet those people never actually leave my life. Did you know that I get flashes of memories at times, triggered unexpectedly, that are so powerful I must pause and allow them to play in my mind again? Someone with whom I haven't spoken in months or even years reappears to replay a scene that has evident or imperceptible significance in my life. These people who exist in silence and distance for me maintain a ghostly relationship with continuing power to affect my thoughts and send a reminiscent pain coursing through my heart. I think of them, of you, and wonder where you are and what you're doing. I wonder who you have become. And then I taste regret at your absence and wish that you could remain active participants in my life; you are a part of me.

I consider too the people who are in my life now in Korea. Like those from my past, they all play a unique role in affecting me and I love them uniquely for that. A similar phenomenon to the intense replaying of unbidden memories occurs with me at unexpected moments when I am with a person. Not always, therefore I am perpetually surprised by the occurrences. There are moments when I am with a friend, listening to them, when suddenly I am struck so strongly with a deep realization of love for them. Sometimes I tell them; sometimes I don't. With certain friendships, interrupting the conversation to say, "By the way, I love you," would afford only a period of uncomfortable silence. Voicing such sentiments takes certain conditions and understanding within a relationship. But we all know that. Anyway, I'm looking at this person and suddenly the power of time stalls and I see how I need them, how grateful I am for them, how incredible and extraordinary they are, how I admire certain qualities in them. And then time realizes its slumber and jolts to start again. But I am caught in the afterglow of the revelation and for a bit see them differently, until time works diligently to dull those sentiments.

For some friends this inevitably occurs more frequently. Whenever it surfaces, though, I am thankful. It's like I'm really seeing them beyond any facade. I consider it and I can't believe the incredible people I know all around the world. I started to name individuals in my life and write about qualities in them that I so admire, but then realized it's not necessarily an appropriate topic, especially to be posted to the internet; each person should choose to whom they reveal themselves. Further, I could never adequately describe the qualities that so deeply affect me, especially as I invariably overlook numerous traits, focusing instead on my illusions of my own self-importance. I would do each person an injustice. But I wish I could share all the incredible qualities of all the people I care about with everyone else.

I'm awed continuously by you. And I'm infinitely grateful to know you. I say this with deepest sincerity and honesty. Thank you for the role you play in my life.

Your friend,
Aubrey