And Aubrey Was Her Name...

Like a lovely melody that everyone can sing; take away the words that rhyme, it doesn't mean a thing.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Clinging to Neverland

Lately I've been telling my classes about my trip home; it is a nice use of class time when I just don't feel like teaching and they don't feel like learning. Well, I of course include details of my trip hiking with Daane on the A.T. For a little bit of the "wow" factor, I always throw in his height. "My brother is very tall. He is 191 cm." This statement is punctuated by gasps from my students, as even my height, 178 cm, is considered somewhat elephantine in this small culture. As I speak about him, I cannot help but be cognizant of the passage of time, reflecting on memories of an adorably pudgy boy now towering and masculine, complete with his hiking beard. All grown up.

Realizing how grown Daane is makes me consider this same phenomenon in my own life. I mean, when your baby brother grows up, what does that mean for you? Am I all grown up? This is somewhat of an enigma to me, for though I have many of the proper signs, I lack certain ones that as a child I always identified as benchmarks of adulthood.

As a little girl, I used to imagine my wedding, planning the details as I lay in bed awaiting sleep to fall. The groom had no face, but he was there amidst a host of guests and a field of flowers. Like play typical for a child, I liked to periodically change the outfits of myself, the groom, and the various guests. But as I remember those sweet, hopeful memories, something I still someday hope for, I realize that I have passed the birthday that puts me several years beyond the once-future imagined bride. I then assumed that at my current age, I would start having children. As I look at that now, I recoil slightly, knowing my life is far from those pre-dream images. In truth, it is not something I want now for myself. Later, yes. But as a single, independent girl living overseas, I am content to be that way. Did you notice that? I said, "girl." I still don't conceptualize myself as an adult. Am I just afraid to grow up?

I wonder about that. How frightening it is to accept aging. As humans, we violently fight the outward, physical signs. Sometimes, I believe, we fight the inward signs as well. Often I feel as though I'm still playing dress-up, donning adult clothes and make up to hide the little girl. There are still moments that cause me a certain degree of surprise that I am not still ten years old. Seeing my family is, as I said, one.

Is this ridiculous to think about? I have a full-time job at which I do well. I live overseas, thriving in another culture. I have my own apartment that I found, decorated, and pay for by myself. I lead a fellowship group at my church. Yet there remains a nagging suspicion that some day I will be pulled aside and asked to take off my play clothes, to stop pretending.

In truth I have no answers to this question. I do not feel as if I lack anything with these considerations; I merely expected to feel more "adult" by this age. I expected to be identified by events that have not occurred. But life continues to surprise me in its very unpredictability. Perhaps I should not be surprised; it is a common sentiment familiar to most. But there are moments when my mind succumbs to reflection and imagination that I realize how I must adjust for who I did not become, who I will never be, and this quasi-adult that I now am.

To be honest, I love that.

"So come with me, where dreams are born, and time is never planned. Just think of happy things, and your heart will fly on wings, forever, in Never Never Land!" ~James M. Barrie

6 Comments:

Blogger Liz said...

Fantastic post, Aubs. As we’ve already discussed at length, I'm there with you on this subject. I think part of this question of “What is adulthood and where do we fit into the picture?” has a lot to do with the teachings of the culture in which we were raised: You grow up, you get married, you have babies. I don't think society knows what to do with the few unconventional and restless souls of the world, such as ourselves. But to be totally honest, I wouldn't change my life for anything at the moment. Although frustrating at times, it’s great being independent and having the freedom to be totally spontaneous, isn’t it? And it’s even better having friends who are there with us on this journey into "adulthood" (whatever that means).

1:07 PM  
Blogger J said...

life has a way of surprising people, always thought I'd be a lawyer but when the time came, turned down the law faculty.then thought I'd be married by 28 with 2 kids well disproved by the last year. not holding breath for life's surprises

5:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

THE FEELING OF BEING YOUNGER THAN THE CALANDER DICTATES MUST BE PRETTY UNIVERSAL. THAT IS WHY IT IS SUCH A SHOCK EACH TIME PEOPLE MY AGE LOOK INTO THE MIRROR--IT IS NOT THE FACE OF A TWENTY-SOMETHING LOOKING BACK. ALWAYS I THINK, "AM I REALLY THIS OLD?"
MOM

12:41 AM  
Blogger Rob Sack said...

Reading your post reminded me of a feeling I haven't had for some time, and I'm not sure when it stopped. The feeling is that suspicion that someone is going to come up to me at work and say, "OK, you're not fooling anyone. We can all see that you are faking it. Beat it, punk."

I'm not sure when I stopped feeling that, but I suspect it is connected to this "adult feeling" business that has pestered me more an more as of late.

9:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am about to turn 63, have retired from one job, working at another, and I STILL feel like that!

11:11 AM  
Blogger Aubrey said...

Ha! Time is a funny thing. I'm definitely glad to know that I'm not alone in my feelings! It is a good thing, isn't it?

3:50 PM  

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